And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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