So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
