The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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