If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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