I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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