dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
