I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize