i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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