let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize