He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
