she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Randomize
