found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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