oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
