I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
