My liver just broke up with me...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
