I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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