We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
