Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
