dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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