Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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