So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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