I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
