the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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