In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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