I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
