My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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