i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
