the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
