i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
