why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
