I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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