At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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