is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
