also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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