Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
