I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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