walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
