Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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