Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
