why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
