i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
