My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
