When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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