great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
