Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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