I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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