Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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