ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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