I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
