96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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