he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I see more hoeing in ur future
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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