I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I love you. Go after that dick
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
