Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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