i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
