I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
