dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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