he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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