if you like me you must not know who I am
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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