the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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