My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
